Cheryl, the Stalker Part 3

To recap the last entry: I fail as a spy, but I'd win the Olympics of awkward conversations.




Finally, 9:00 rolls around, and I'm driving over to work. Kristin's-Friend-Chris arrived before me, and so he called me as I was on my way.




"There's only one silver Chevy Malibu in the parking lot."

"Great! That's gotta be it."

"Not great. It's parked right next to the street."




So...how illegal is saran wrapping, anyway? I mean, if police were wandering by, what exactly would they do?




We immediately started discussing ways to casually wrap the car. There weren't any. No matter what, this was going to look suspicious. So we just decided to do it quickly.

Around and around and around we went, ducking under each other like that weird kids game where you each have a ribbon and wrap it around the pole while singing that bizzaro song. Seriously, what is up with that game? What is the point?

Anyway, we had a point to our game, and our point was wrapping his car in five rolls of saran wrap. Five rolls of never-ending saran wrap. All the while, people were driving by, and one person even parked across the parking lot and watched us. That made us hurry a little, before they could get our license plate numbers and description.

There were a few quotes that I can't remember who I should attribute them to...but I have to say them anyway.

"We should have put 'Just Married' on it! Everyone supports the 'you-just-got-married-so-I'm-going-to-ruin-your-car' prank!" "What, they got married inside Barnes & Noble?" "Also, what would his wife think when he got home?"

"Go over..no, no, like that...no, I mean go right in there!" "That's what she said."

"Should we just go around the car, or roll it over and under too?" *fruitless attempts* "Um...apparently saran wrap doesn't roll."

Anyway, we finally finished Daniel-From-Work's car and rushed over to Kristin's. A little known fact about Jeeps: They are perfect for saran wrapping. Perfect. They're so boxy. Everything grips so nicely.

Kristin's-Friend-Chris was in charge of this car, and he's meaner than I am...way meaner. In oh-so-many ways. In this particular instance, he not only wanted to leave the saran wrap around the car, but also the boxes it came in and the bags from the store. Trash, essentially, embedded in the saran wrap all around the car.

So not my fault. I was an innocent bystander.

Now with Kristin's car, we remembered to take a picture. A few, actually. I'm pretty sure Kristin's-Friend-Chris said it was for his scrapbook. In fact, I think he said that he wanted to border that particular page in hot pink lace and entitle it, "Adventures with my Best Frenemy..."

But that's neither here nor there.

In fact, what is here and there is the fact that we were finally done...all that was left now was to wait for our victims to discover their fate.

So we got back in our cars and drove over to the other side, right across from where Daniel-From-Work's car was. What a beauty. The streetlights sparkled over the wrapping like early morning stars on Christmas morning....a few people slowed down or even stopped as they drove past it. Everyone was admiring our handiwork.

So we sat there, wondering, waiting...anxious for 10:00 to hit so that Daniel-From-Work would come out.

To be continued...

Cheryl, the Stalker Part 2

So to recap the last entry: Never send a blind girl on a stake-out.

It hits 7:00 and I decide to go in and find out what happened. I knew, of course, that Kristin was working, and she knew I was planning to prank Daniel-From-Work, so she's probably tell me if he called in sick.

Of course, I barely walk in when I see him. Daniel-From-Work. Right there in the front of the store.

*sigh*

He already saw me, so I wave and walk over, trying desperately to act normal (which, if you know me, never happens. I'm the worst liar in the world.)

"Hey, Daniel-From-Work!"
"Hey, Cheryl-the-American-Leprechaun!"
Yeah, he so deserved anything that was coming to him.
"So...uh...I didn't think you were here. I didn't see your car out front."
He's going to think I'm stalking him.
"Oh, I parked out front."
I knew it.
"Really? I came in that way. Um. What kind of car do you drive?"
He's going to start dialing 911 any second now. Restraining order time!
"Chevy Malibu."
"Oh, really? Um. What color?"
Now he really was looking at me weird, but I say weird things all the time.
"Silver."
"Oh. Okay."
*awkward silence*
"So, how you doin'?"
Smooth, Cheryl.
"Good...just shelving..."
"Yeah, gotta love shelving."
"Uh-huh..."
"So, I left something in the back, I should really go get it. That's why I came back to work after I got off. To pick up something I forgot to take earlier."
"Okay..."
"Yeah..."
*walk away quickly*

So now I was in the back of the store, trying to think of an imaginary thing I could take out with me. Other employees had seen me by now, and were no doubt wondering what on earth I was doing there. Then it hit me. I could talk to Kristin. We'd gotten some bad news earlier, I could discuss it with her.

And just like that, the heavens opened, the angels sang, and Kristin walked out of Receiving.

"Kristin!"
"Cheryl! What are you doing here?"
"Um. I'm here to see you! Are you doing okay?"
"Of course I am. You came in just to check on that?"
Yeah, that really does seem kind of weird. I'm never that nice.
"Well, you know, I was...in the area."
I live in the area. What a stupid thing to say.
"That's so sweet!"
Yeah, you really won't be thinking that when you're digging your car out from under a thousand square feet of saran wrap.
"So...you're doing okay?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh good. So. You doing okay?"
Abort! Abort! Abort!
And now she was looking at me weird too. "Yeah, I'm doing okay. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I just, uh, gotta go. Bye."
"Bye..."

I'm such a failure as a spy.
On the other hand, I did get the information I came for, right?
So I went home to wait for the cloak of night to cover us so we could accomplish our devious deeds....

to be continued...

Cheryl, the Stalker Part 1

I know that I will hate myself forever if I don't write about this. All of this actually occurred on March 30th, I just haven't had time to write about it yet.

So. Daniel-From-Work. Nice guy most of the time, though he feels a constant need to pick on me (he's the one that coined the term "American Leprechaun.") Definitely needed to be taught a lesson.

His birthday was on the 29th, but he wasn't working that day. That's okay. I waited. I bided my time, because I looked up his schedule and saw that he was working the next day. Perfect. He'd never expect a birthday prank the day after his birthday.

Now, I'm not much of a prankster...I have no good ideas. And of course, I didn't want to do anything too mean, because, well, that's mean. So I called in an expert: Kristin's-Friend-Chris. Also known as my best frenemy.

Kristin's-Friend-Chris immediately came up with about twenty illegal pranks. I nixed them. Then we struck gold: Saran wrapping Daniel-From-Work's car. It worked doubly well because I could wrap the present I got him in all the layers, so I had a way to get that in too. However, Kristin's-Friend-Chris also wanted to get Kristin's car. Kristin is my manager, so I wasn't sure how thrilled I was about that, but technically it was his idea, so I went along with it.

Did you hear that, Kristin? It was Chris' idea.

Now, our plan was perfect. We got the saran wrap, Angela got a roommate to agree to drive her (Daniel-From-Work had been picking on her too, she had a score to settle).

One problem. I'm a girl. This means I don't notice cars. Ever. So I had no idea what Daniel-From-Work drove.

I figured this wasn't a big deal. Someone from work would know. Other people pay attention to stuff like that, right? So it was just a matter of figuring out who to trust.

I had a huge list made out, in order from those I knew to be the most trustworthy to...well, to the ones that I'd save as a last resort.

NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING.

All I got was that it was probably maybe white. *sigh*

So our second option was a stake-out. I was the only one available to do it. Me. The girl who needs glasses desperately and yet hasn't gone to get them. The one who can't see things more than ten feet or so in front of her. Sometimes not even then. That girl was supposed to do a stake-out.

Oh, yeah, this is a good idea.

Now, right before I left, I heard that a call was coming in for a manager. The rumor was that Daniel was calling in to say he'd be a little late. I thought I was incredibly lucky for hearing this, so I wouldn't give up as soon as his time to get to work rolled around. I knew I'd have to wait a little longer.

So, 5:45 I pull into the parking lot. Everyone was pretty sure he parked in the side parking lot (because that's pretty much where we all park) so I tried to get a good spot there.

Have you ever tried to do a stake-out in a Saturn Ion? Yeah. You can't see over anything. Or under anything. Or through anything, gosh darn those stupid tinted windows everyone's so crazy about.

So I started by memorizing all the white cars in the parking lot. I'd watch to see if he got out and walked toward the door (he'd have to walk by me to do that, I should have seen him in the rearview mirror.) And every fifteen minutes, I'd drive around the parking lot to see if I missed any white cars, so that if I did see him, whichever white car was new would be his.

5:45- I knew he was going to be late, this was just a precaution in case I heard wrong.
6:00-no big deal. He said he was going to be late.
6:15- Okay, he's really late, but usually people don't call in unless they're going to be at least fifteen minutes late.
6:30- Wow, he's really late. Did I miss him somehow? I drive around the other parking lot, but it's so much bigger that any of those cars could have been his. Useless.
6:45- Maybe I misheard. Maybe he was calling in sick, not late.
7:00- Screw this. I'm going inside to see if anyone knows anything.

Wow, this is getting long. I guess the only thing to do is--

to be continued...

Happy Birthday, Harry Potter!

You know, every time I come on this thing, I realize how amazingly witty and clever I really am. Then I ask myself, Why don't I write on here more often?

Oh, yeah...I'm not really witty or clever. I think I steal most of my smart stuff. If you're laughing, I probably copied it off of Seinfeld.

Anyway. Celebrated Harry Potter's birthday today. I think he's the same age as me, technically (but who's technical?) Rommel and I went to see Harry Potter 6. Rather enjoyable, I thought. Probably because it's been over a year since I've read the books, and thus, and I can't quote word for word every conversation. I used to be able to do that, believe it or not. I'm a freakin' Harry Potter genius, I'm telling you.

Also, since I was in charge of Storytime at Barnes and Noble, we celebrated there too. I read "Magic Box", and had each of the kids make a magic wand. Hugely successful. Afterward, I taught them all to say "Wingardium Leviosa!" and then would pretend I saw books flying around. They'd get all excited and look around. It was so cute.

And do you realize how expensive movies have gotten? How ridiculous is that?

Twenty Things I Learned at College

1. Just because someone hates me because of my religion doesn't make them a bad person.
2. Choosing to study rather than go out with friends means you'll have good grades in a major you hate and no appearances in your friends's photo albums.
3. Sentimentality is okay--in small doses.
4. "You can do anything you want" is the stupidest thing you could tell someone. "You can do anything you want more than anything--and I do mean ANYTHING--in the world" is more accurate.
5. Money should be as important as it is. No more, no less.
6. Being married made me a better student, not a worse one.
7. Snow sucks.
8. Sometimes dreams do come true, and it usually happens when the dreams you thought you had fall apart.
9. When a woman gets her degree and then becomes a mother, it makes her a better mother, not a worse feminist.
10. I'm not exceptional, and that's finally okay.
11. I can handle stressful situations.
12. Yes, high school did matter--when I was there. But I'm so glad it doesn't matter now.
13. Professors are just people.
14. God won't magically help me choose the right answer if I didn't study or make my paper write itself. But I know he's on my side, even if it's because of something as small as a parking spot in front or a sunny day or a friend giving me a muffin. And if God is on my side, the my team isn't doing too badly.
15. Dr. Seuss is the greatest literary genius of all time.
16. Love isn't a feeling, or an event, or an action. Many days, it's a decision.
17. Sometimes it's important to pay attention to the person you were when you were 5. She may know more about you than you do.
18. Doing your best isn't always good enough.
19. You have to love what you're doing, or you'll never do it well.
20. Just being me is enough.

Things Everyone Else Seems to Love and I Don't Care About

Here is a list of things that everyone else "oohs" and "aahs" about and I couldn't care less about.

1. The view from the top of a mountain. I'm too miserable and hot and bug bitten when I get there to care about what the world looks like. Let someone else take a picture for me, I'll look at that.
2. American Idol- It's glorified karaoke, people.
3. Sirloin steak - It's okay.
4. The Superbowl- It's a game.
5. Uggs and Crocs- Crocs are plastic, aren't your feet sweaty?
6. Fake nails- I never needed them, and my natural nails are prettier.
7. Country dancing- it's boring.
8. Skiing- No, I don't have an interest in taking my own life in my hands.
9. Minute details of President Obama's life and daily routine (no, I don't care what his aunt is doing, I don't care if his wife is planting a garden, and I don't care about the joke he made this morning. We're in an economic crisis and a war, newspapers. Don't you think there is something else that could take up this space?)
10. Expensive cars- the really souped-up cars just look stupid, and I'm pretty sure it means they're compensating for something.

Things I Thought I'd Hate But I Actually ADORE

Lately I've been thinking in lists... Don't know why. Here's one of them:

Things I Thought I'd Hate But I Actually ADORE

1. Sushi
2. Nintendo Wii and DS
3. Young Adult and Middle Grade novels (including The Giver...I didn't read it for years because of the stupid cover, and I finally forced myself and wow...amazing)
4. Writing Conferences
5. Being married (Tell my sixteen-year-old self that I'd get married at twenty, she'd knock you out)
6. Sundresses
7. Reading scriptures
8. Classical writers
9. Lingerie (it makes me feel sexy, okay? So maybe I'm not a Victoria's Secret model, I can pretend!)
10. Flip Flops

And all but two of these I didn't start until after I met Rommel...